As long as I can remember I wished I had somewhere to write down thoughts where millions of people could see them without me having to say them out loud..I always wanted to to be able to express myself without having people looking at me because my emotions show on my face clear as the southern sky..I asked a friend about this blogging thing and once she explained I felt like this was something I would, could , and should do..so with that said...here is my 1st blog..
As I begin my blogging experience I feel that I need you to get to know me..I feel that I am very complicated soul. I have been through things people twice my age have not..I was born on the west side of Chicago to a biracial couple..To even call them a couple is pushing it..I don't know what to actually call them.. My mother is white(German & Bohemian) my father is black(Mississippi Black lol)..I was born in the 70's when white people were not allowed on the west side of Chicago..however my mother was..the majority of white women during that time that were there were hookers..my mom was not to my understanding..I grow up in the same neighborhood off and on for 16yrs. I attended the same school for 14 of those years..I say off and on because my father was very abusive and my mother would periodically would leave him..all thou I never understood why, she always came back to the same shit..I was a product of my environment..I was raped, used in the hood as a piece of ass because I was looking for the love that I never got at home..because my father abused my mother she in return abused me, because I looked like him..my cousins used me for free sex..the guys in the neighborhood as well..I never knew that there was a way to get away..I have always wanted the happy family, the house the kids the dog..
As I grew older I was still looking for love in all the wrong places..I gangbanged..I sold drugs..I have done things that I can not admit..not because I am embrassed but because some I am ashamed of and a lot are illegal..I have asked God to forgive me so I no longer carry those things with me but I do regret them..I have hurt peoples sons and daughters..however through this all the one daughter I hurt the most is my mother's and my own..
I still search for that love but in a different way..but that will have to be the topic of my next blog..as I aged like I said I went about better my life in the wrong way..I was not your typical girl and that I knew at an early age..I have always been attracted to women..but I grew up in a time when gay was not the thing to be..so of course I repressed it..I have a couple of boyfriends(all fine if I most say, hey if I'm gone do it I gone to at least have a sexy one), the majority thought of me as their toy to share wit their friends..when I refused is when I was raped by the neighborhood guys..I moved from that neighborhood into a battered woman shelter wit my mom and sister where we stayed for a few months..my cousin owned a building and offered my mom an apt..this is where my life started to really change..I had always drank when hanging wit my friends, but when we moved here I was really drinking a lot..I ended up pregnant wit my only child..we were put out and of the apt at this time and I never knew why(until later)..we of course had to go back to my father..who is now not only an alcoholic but a heavy coke user..my mom hated it..her, my sister, and myself all slept and lived literally in one room of the apt we shared wit my father..this is when I learned why we were put out..my mom was also a crack user and never paid the rent..I found this out because we were saving money to move which came up missing so she had to tell me..
I gave birth to my only child on 1/21/93...a beautiful baby girl..on this day is when I officially became a grown ass woman..not because I gave birth.. but because of what turns my life took in the months and years to follow..and this is where I will end my 1st blog..things are just put together in this one..and I have omitted somethings..not that I can't or won't talk about..mainly because I would be here forever..
Let me know how you feel..should I continue this..should I stop..should I add or maybe even delete from this..but if all goes well I will let you in to what happens next..
Peace, Love, and most of all Happiness..
