Good or Bad, Right or Wrong

I don't understand. I feel like I am a good person. I believe that the things I say are meant for good. I do understand that I do not say shit the right way all the time, but damn I am 34 yrs old and haven't really changed much, so u would think that the way I talk would be understand by those who have known me for years. When I say things out of frustration 9 times out of 10 its because I have been holding in something for a while. When that happens I agree I do say them all fucked up, but yet again damn I thought you know me and could see through that shit.

I feel like everything I say is wrong. Like I am this mean old ogre. Its times when I feel like I say and do nothing right. Not because I feel like I didn't do it to the best of my ability but because everyone around me seems to hear it different than I do. I, in my mind, hear it as I think it should be. Now grant it I know it may not come out like it was written by Maya Angelo but the content is good.

The point of this is I think, HELL, I know I am a good person. Maybe I hold things in too long and don't communicate the best. I can say things all fucked up but am I the only one? Am I the only one having a conversation? Was everything you said to me in the best format? When I begin to say things I try to think them out in my mind first. Which can be good and bad. Bad because I have usually thought myself through it or out of it. Good because I get to hear the nonsense I think.

Part of my problem is that I am a realist. I see shit for how it is and how it could be. I don't look at just what good could happen I also see the bad. I am the person who believes that you should plan for the worse and hope for the best. I will not set myself up for failure by not thinking that something has bad in it. If something has the potential to have a bad side I feel that I should be aware of that and that the people I love should too. Now that sometimes comes off as being negative, I don't see it that way. I see it as having your eyes open.

I don't know how to get people to understand me. I am a very open person and I explain this to the ones I care about yet it still seems to come out all fucked up. My next thought is to just SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!

I just don't know..



Love, Peace, and HAPPINESS